Lifelong Honey-Flavored Oat Circles eater Cecil Clyde was shocked and delighted to find shrimp heads in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this morning. 🍤 “I knew on-brand was s’pposed to be somethin’… but I never coulda imagined somethin’ like this,” he beamed. “They even chopped off the tails for me!”
Did you know St. Patrick’s Day isn’t just a day to celebrate passive-aggressive finger assault? It’s also more than just a day to celebrate how efficiently your liver can function when your life depends on it! It’s actually a day to celebrate religion or something, but since I’m going through a rebellious phase, I don’t care about Religion anymore! 😎 Instead, today, we will talk about our top three choices for total SHAMS who totally ROCK!
Prepare your potatoes and cabbage by placing them on the counter. You won’t even use salt and pepper or water. Don’t use utensils either! This is POTATOES AND CABBAGE ONLY. If you need to cut something, strike the potatoes against each other until you’ve yielded a knife, which you can then use to cut, dice, slice, and purée the other ingredient(s).
The Lump Sum is only payable in Dave & Buster’s tokens. 💰 Think of what you can do with an extra TEN DOLLARS each year (Well, actually, after taxes, it’s only $6): • $6 would get you a five-dollar foot-long in 2010. • $6 could get you 6 McDoubles in 2008…
A coterie of some of the most heinous personalities on the internet (and Jim Davis) came together to release a nasty hit piece on the Mean Bean Enquirer earlier this evening, and we will not stand for it.
This Farti Gras, a perfect storm of Westerly Winds, a Dank Humidity, and a large Chili Cook-off have all joined forces to blow last year’s Farti Gras clear out of the murky water! You’ll have a blast, a blart, and an explosively good time navigating the Hydrogen Sulfide and Methane Mixture that’s taken all our hearts, minds, and noses, and refuses to leave, no matter how many matches we light! (Careful, too—things might get even more explosive if you’re too liberal with the flames!)
It’s time for some Wet Ass Phenobarbital!
Celebrate your holiday to the max with skimpy costumes, colorful masks, and a drink (or six)! But be on the lookout for the Big Bad Cardi B—legends say that whether you’re naughty or nice, she’ll slip a mickey into them, sneak onto your chimney with some uninvited friends, steal your money, and parade it on Instagram to her adoring preteen fans.
“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”
After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.
I used to be just like you. I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat. Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED. How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater. It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month. Something HAD to change. So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.