Crap! Did I Miss Tardi Gras?

So pour one out for the true Legends of our Age: The Perpetually Tardy. And pour it into my mouth, because I didn’t get to the liquor store before they had closed, and I’d like some hooch. I’ll get you back later, promise. Trust me, you’ll get payback eventually!

REPORT: Economic Downturn Forcing Zoomers to Eat Store-Brand Laundry Pods

“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”

Mean Bean Enquirer Cypher — Lil Stinker ft. Elkanah

Mean Bean Enquirer is so eager to get new readers, we spent our entire marketing budget hiring these two Hip-Hop Superstars to write our new theme song.

Lil Stinker and OGMCPhD Elkanah are back, and by back, we mean this is their very first appearance…

This Is Hallobean

I am the one hiding on your plate,
You’ll all run and scream when I sublimate. 👻

I am the one that is good for your heart,
The more you eat, the more you DART! (to a nearby restroom.)

How To Host The Perfect Halloween Party Even Your Grandfather with Dementia Won’t Forget

Serve severed-finger hors d’oeuvres so realistic that your horrified guests scream and ask if they’re real. Then you say, “No, of course not,” and claim they’re disgusting for even thinking such a thing because of course they’re not real, you’re just serving your guests realistic *imitations* of severed fingers, which is totally *not* gross. 🎃

I got 25 flu shots so you don’t have to: the best flu shot deals in NC

They don’t call me one flu over the cuckoo’s nest for nothing! Now they call me 25 flu over the cuckoo’s nest for various deals and savings. Target and Publix may offer $5 and $10 gift cards when you get a flu shot, but that’s just the tip of the syringceberg…