COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You

After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.

Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)

By: Alex Bradford Cobb In this time of reflection and gratitude, it’s important to take the chance to contemplate the important questions in life. Why did Club Penguin close down? Whatever happened to Disco (I can’t even remember it at all!)? And most importantly, which Pilgrims can I beat in a fight? Now, I knowContinue reading “Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)”

We Usually Avoid Politics, But…

We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”

Evil Clown Spotted in the Woods, Terrorizing People By Breathing in Public

The CDC (Catch Dem Clowns) has announced a national crisis in your area. There’s a “killer clown” just outside your fence in the neighborhood woods armed with the most dangerous weapon known to man: a mouth that’s breathing openly into the outdoor air that MIGHT contain a virus.

APA Rules Shower-Fart As a Form of Self-Harm

“Honestly, if you just look at these people who are doing this to themselves, they’re just not mentally well. Why would someone ever fart in the shower? That’s objectively the worst place to fart!” quoted esteemed flatulence researcher and Editor-in-Chief at Farts Weekly, Dr. Hannah Frankenwitz, D.D.S.

This Is Hallobean

I am the one hiding on your plate,
You’ll all run and scream when I sublimate. 👻

I am the one that is good for your heart,
The more you eat, the more you DART! (to a nearby restroom.)

How To Host The Perfect Halloween Party Even Your Grandfather with Dementia Won’t Forget

Serve severed-finger hors d’oeuvres so realistic that your horrified guests scream and ask if they’re real. Then you say, “No, of course not,” and claim they’re disgusting for even thinking such a thing because of course they’re not real, you’re just serving your guests realistic *imitations* of severed fingers, which is totally *not* gross. 🎃

AMC Theatres Reopen Oct. 9 to Bathroom Wall Poopers’ Delight

North Carolina AMC Theatres are scheduled to reopen starting on October 9th, much to the delight of their notorious former bathroom-defiling vandals. “We’re back in business—ankle-deep,” one of the degenerates divulged. “I can’t wait to get in there and make the AMC bathroom look like a qualified disaster zone again.” “I’ve got all kinds ofContinue reading “AMC Theatres Reopen Oct. 9 to Bathroom Wall Poopers’ Delight”

I got 25 flu shots so you don’t have to: the best flu shot deals in NC

They don’t call me one flu over the cuckoo’s nest for nothing! Now they call me 25 flu over the cuckoo’s nest for various deals and savings. Target and Publix may offer $5 and $10 gift cards when you get a flu shot, but that’s just the tip of the syringceberg…