Irish Beans

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, ya big lugs! #IrishSunglasses ☘️ 🕶️

St. Paddy’s Day

Our premiere St. Patrick’s Day comic. ☘️

Senate Offers Choice of Lump Sum Stimulus or $10 Annuity for the Next 140 Years

The Lump Sum is only payable in Dave & Buster’s tokens. 💰 Think of what you can do with an extra TEN DOLLARS each year (Well, actually, after taxes, it’s only $6): • $6 would get you a five-dollar foot-long in 2010. • $6 could get you 6 McDoubles in 2008…

The Mean Bean Enquirer is Under Attack

A coterie of some of the most heinous personalities on the internet (and Jim Davis) came together to release a nasty hit piece on the Mean Bean Enquirer earlier this evening, and we will not stand for it.

Crap! Did I Miss Tardi Gras?

So pour one out for the true Legends of our Age: The Perpetually Tardy. And pour it into my mouth, because I didn’t get to the liquor store before they had closed, and I’d like some hooch. I’ll get you back later, promise. Trust me, you’ll get payback eventually!

REPORT: Economic Downturn Forcing Zoomers to Eat Store-Brand Laundry Pods

“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”

COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You

After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.

Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)

By: Alex Bradford Cobb In this time of reflection and gratitude, it’s important to take the chance to contemplate the important questions in life. Why did Club Penguin close down? Whatever happened to Disco (I can’t even remember it at all!)? And most importantly, which Pilgrims can I beat in a fight? Now, I knowContinue reading “Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)”

We Usually Avoid Politics, But…

We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”

Evil Clown Spotted in the Woods, Terrorizing People By Breathing in Public

The CDC (Catch Dem Clowns) has announced a national crisis in your area. There’s a “killer clown” just outside your fence in the neighborhood woods armed with the most dangerous weapon known to man: a mouth that’s breathing openly into the outdoor air that MIGHT contain a virus.