As Bill Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and this guy is probably going to jail for manslaughter.”
Lifelong Honey-Flavored Oat Circles eater Cecil Clyde was shocked and delighted to find shrimp heads in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this morning. 🍤 “I knew on-brand was s’pposed to be somethin’… but I never coulda imagined somethin’ like this,” he beamed. “They even chopped off the tails for me!”
Did you know St. Patrick’s Day isn’t just a day to celebrate passive-aggressive finger assault? It’s also more than just a day to celebrate how efficiently your liver can function when your life depends on it! It’s actually a day to celebrate religion or something, but since I’m going through a rebellious phase, I don’t care about Religion anymore! 😎 Instead, today, we will talk about our top three choices for total SHAMS who totally ROCK!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, ya big lugs! #IrishSunglasses ☘️ 🕶️
Our premiere St. Patrick’s Day comic. ☘️
So pour one out for the true Legends of our Age: The Perpetually Tardy. And pour it into my mouth, because I didn’t get to the liquor store before they had closed, and I’d like some hooch. I’ll get you back later, promise. Trust me, you’ll get payback eventually!
“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”
After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.
I used to be just like you. I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat. Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED. How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater. It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month. Something HAD to change. So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.
We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”