Crap! Did I Miss Tardi Gras?

So pour one out for the true Legends of our Age: The Perpetually Tardy. And pour it into my mouth, because I didn’t get to the liquor store before they had closed, and I’d like some hooch. I’ll get you back later, promise. Trust me, you’ll get payback eventually!

REPORT: Economic Downturn Forcing Zoomers to Eat Store-Brand Laundry Pods

“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”

COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You

After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.

Throw All Your Turduckens Out NOW!!!

I used to be just like you. I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat. Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED. How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater. It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month. Something HAD to change. So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.

We Usually Avoid Politics, But…

We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”

Evil Clown Spotted in the Woods, Terrorizing People By Breathing in Public

The CDC (Catch Dem Clowns) has announced a national crisis in your area. There’s a “killer clown” just outside your fence in the neighborhood woods armed with the most dangerous weapon known to man: a mouth that’s breathing openly into the outdoor air that MIGHT contain a virus.

Mean Bean Enquirer Cypher — Lil Stinker ft. Elkanah

Mean Bean Enquirer is so eager to get new readers, we spent our entire marketing budget hiring these two Hip-Hop Superstars to write our new theme song.

Lil Stinker and OGMCPhD Elkanah are back, and by back, we mean this is their very first appearance…

APA Rules Shower-Fart As a Form of Self-Harm

“Honestly, if you just look at these people who are doing this to themselves, they’re just not mentally well. Why would someone ever fart in the shower? That’s objectively the worst place to fart!” quoted esteemed flatulence researcher and Editor-in-Chief at Farts Weekly, Dr. Hannah Frankenwitz, D.D.S.

How To Host The Perfect Halloween Party Even Your Grandfather with Dementia Won’t Forget

Serve severed-finger hors d’oeuvres so realistic that your horrified guests scream and ask if they’re real. Then you say, “No, of course not,” and claim they’re disgusting for even thinking such a thing because of course they’re not real, you’re just serving your guests realistic *imitations* of severed fingers, which is totally *not* gross. 🎃

AMC Theatres Reopen Oct. 9 to Bathroom Wall Poopers’ Delight

North Carolina AMC Theatres are scheduled to reopen starting on October 9th, much to the delight of their notorious former bathroom-defiling vandals. “We’re back in business—ankle-deep,” one of the degenerates divulged. “I can’t wait to get in there and make the AMC bathroom look like a qualified disaster zone again.” “I’ve got all kinds ofContinue reading “AMC Theatres Reopen Oct. 9 to Bathroom Wall Poopers’ Delight”