This Cardi Gras, Everyone’s Blacking Out! Okuuurr!!

It’s time for some Wet Ass Phenobarbital!

Celebrate your holiday to the max with skimpy costumes, colorful masks, and a drink (or six)! But be on the lookout for the Big Bad Cardi B—legends say that whether you’re naughty or nice, she’ll slip a mickey into them, sneak onto your chimney with some uninvited friends, steal your money, and parade it on Instagram to her adoring preteen fans.

How To Host The Perfect Halloween Party Even Your Grandfather with Dementia Won’t Forget

Serve severed-finger hors d’oeuvres so realistic that your horrified guests scream and ask if they’re real. Then you say, “No, of course not,” and claim they’re disgusting for even thinking such a thing because of course they’re not real, you’re just serving your guests realistic *imitations* of severed fingers, which is totally *not* gross. 🎃