Farti Gras Slowly Approaching in Large, Green Cloud

This Farti Gras, a perfect storm of Westerly Winds, a Dank Humidity, and a large Chili Cook-off have all joined forces to blow last year’s Farti Gras clear out of the murky water! You’ll have a blast, a blart, and an explosively good time navigating the Hydrogen Sulfide and Methane Mixture that’s taken all our hearts, minds, and noses, and refuses to leave, no matter how many matches we light! (Careful, too—things might get even more explosive if you’re too liberal with the flames!)

This Cardi Gras, Everyone’s Blacking Out! Okuuurr!!

It’s time for some Wet Ass Phenobarbital!

Celebrate your holiday to the max with skimpy costumes, colorful masks, and a drink (or six)! But be on the lookout for the Big Bad Cardi B—legends say that whether you’re naughty or nice, she’ll slip a mickey into them, sneak onto your chimney with some uninvited friends, steal your money, and parade it on Instagram to her adoring preteen fans.

REPORT: Economic Downturn Forcing Zoomers to Eat Store-Brand Laundry Pods

“Hey, it sucks, but what can you do? The Boomers ruined everything, man!” Local Teen Zachary Aiden Lee said in between convulsing and foaming from his mouth. “The flavor’s not that bad (it’s not like they’re off-brand granola bars!), but you can definitely taste the difference.”

COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You

After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.

Throw All Your Turduckens Out NOW!!!

I used to be just like you. I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat. Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED. How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater. It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month. Something HAD to change. So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.

We Usually Avoid Politics, But…

We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”

Mean Bean Enquirer Cypher — Lil Stinker ft. Elkanah

Mean Bean Enquirer is so eager to get new readers, we spent our entire marketing budget hiring these two Hip-Hop Superstars to write our new theme song.

Lil Stinker and OGMCPhD Elkanah are back, and by back, we mean this is their very first appearance…