Author Archives: Mean Bean Enquirer

Neighborhood Coyotes Request More Vegan Options; Accessibility Features in Your Backyard

Just leave out a salad; I’m tired of eating your beloved pets. Let’s have some variety. Imagine having to eat dogs and cats every day, day in and day out. I’m an American, g*dd**mmit, not some Guangdong Chinese coyote.

First Baby Born with Gills to Survive Southern Humidity

In what has been described as a great, horrific, leap forward for human evolution, local boy Kyle Upshaw has been born with two fully functioning gills, leaving scientists scratching their heads, doctors reaching for the smelling salts, his parents completely indifferent, and sending the priest to the library for an ancient holy water recipe.

Fauci Announces that Santa Isn’t Real; You Were the Reason for Your Parents’ Divorce

Fauci says glass not only half empty, but completely empty, and it was made by child slaves.

Top Ten Summer Fashion Tips I’ve Discovered From Digging Through My Hot Cousin’s Closet and Drawers

When I was hired to do the Enquirer’s fashion section, I knew I was in over my head. I lucked out during the interview because light blue jeans two sizes too large and ironic Walmart t-shirts about hating your sister and loving video games were luckily in vogue that season. But that season ended, and I knew I needed to do some recon.

New Long John Silver’s Face Masks Swim to Rescue as Perfect COVID-19 Defense for Fast Food Fish Fans

Arrr! You looking to support your favorite fast seafood restaurant, Long John Silvers, in these uncharted pandemic waters? Look no further than purchasing a Long John Silver’s facial covering!