Alex Bradford Cobb

Alex was born in a log cabin in downtown Charlotte to two parents who both tragically went out for a pack of cigarettes just one month before he was born. The line at the gas station was horribly long, and they never came back until he sold his first big satire article for millions of dollars.

When it comes to fun, Alex won’t have any of it. He’s a serious journalist, and he refused to smile, laugh, guffaw, or giggle during his work. He won’t even smirk. He also like ultimate frisbee.

The most important thimg in the entire world for Alex Bradford Cobb is to never make a simgle typo. Thus far, he’s prefect.

Twitter • Instagram • Vimeo • YouTube • LinkedIn • @Cobbservations

Melanie Lech

Melanie has written such works as The Emperor’s New Groove, The Emperor’s New Groove [abridged], and even pop culture phenomenons such as Harry Potter and the Emperor’s New Groove.

If you have any problems with this biography, please get in touch with her lawyers.

Instagram • Music • Website • LinkedInRizzle

Harper Turek

I know only one thing, and that is that I know nothing. Oh, and that it takes 8.3 minutes for the sun’s light to reach Earth. But those are the only two things, I swear! 

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Sid Masterson-Lebowitz

Sid graduated with the highest of marks. The marks have been at the top of the scalp since birth, so they’re not so much of an achievement as they are an oddity. As for where said marks come from, some say they’re a marking from the gods, denoting baby Sid to be either a demon in human form, or an angel. It really all depends on who you ask. The Abrahamic religions usually err towards “angel,” although certain Shiite sects, Messianic Jews, and Episcopalians have gone on record as saying the marks have a uniquely “devilish” colour to them. Shintoism and Taoism both teach that these marks are demonic markings, but that that’s ultimately irrelevant, as Sid is the master of who Sid will be. I think there’s a lesson there for all of us, about demon markings on heads. Generally, the Buddhists and Hindus both completely agree his markings are likely a Hyperfluid mix between both, but that they’re ultimately immaterial to the world due to their concrete, physical nature, however, they’re both hell-bent on arguing the same thing endlessly. The atheists were not asked because they’re annoying.

So anyhow, these markings are why we hired Sid. The colourful splotches were like a Rorschach Test on Sid’s bald head for us, and we saw in that test a future where we might find happiness. We hired Sid as an unpaid intern, head writer, and CFO that day. Sid is also an avid Mets can and his favourite food is egg salad.


O’Shaugnassey “Gilbert” McDonnogal III

Born to an Irish Catholic mother and an Irish Catholic father in Ireland, when O’Shaugnnassey “Gilbert” McDonnogal III isn’t drinking Guinness and eating potatoes, he’s out getting in bar fights and blowing up the cars of Protestants. In other words: this man is the best and brightest the entire republic of Ireland has to offer. We somehow snagged him for 35¢ an hour (that’s a lot to those people).

“Special Event” Planning Discord • Reddit