It’s hot enough to warm an egg. It’s hot enough to melt ice! It’s so hot, I’m sweating, for crying ousteth loudeth!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident: It’s hot outside!”
The real moral downfall of the founders was not owning slaves, but not knowing when to schedule events during the year. Starting a war? In JULY? Check, please!
Just because you wear a powdered wig and pants with 87 buttons on them doesn’t mean you know everything. Maybe you wouldn’t have so many cases of “the vapours” if you weren’t holding holidays when it’s hot enough to make water boil! Great call, guys. Declare independence during mosquito season! That way, “Give me liberty or give me death” involves MALARIA!
And while we’re on the subject, it would make a lot more sense to shoot fire into the air when it’s cold outside. Why do we have tents filled with explosives for sale in parking lots when it’s one hundred degrees outside??
To be fair, calendars weren’t invented until 1800, so the founding fathers probably didn’t even know what Fourth of July was.
On second thought, 1776 happened before Al Gore was born (Barely! ;P), so global warming hadn’t been invented, so maybe it wasn’t that bad back then?
In conclusion, we therefore do declare that this holiday is and of right ought to be moved to a cooler day, like July 5th.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Melanie is really mean and she broke my heart. IF we wish to have a colder independence day, we should celebrate it in her soul.