By Alex Bradford Cobb
Sorry, cringe IFLScience Atheists, this isn’t about tardigrades, this is about Tardi Gras, the celebration for whimsical souls such as yours truly that have so many big ideas in their heads that sometimes they end up running behind schedule on some things. No, I don’t expect you to praise me on this day for holding things up all the time–I DEMAND you praise me on this day for holding things up all the time!
February 20th is THE day for folks like myself. No, gamers aren’t the most oppressed minority. Horticulture enthusiasts aren’t either. Nor are drug addicts, prostitutes, gays, or the Malaysians. The true “Most Persecuted and Oppressed” award goes to WE, the UNSPOKEN heroes of the world. If we were on time, people like Seth MacFarlane would be dead. One time, I was so late to a friend’s house for a birthday party that I missed his house burning down in a fire!!! (Of course, it burned down weeks earlier, so I was very late, but were I on time, I wouldn’t be here to write this tasteless, self-aggrandizing article, and you’d be having a much more peaceful evening, wouldn’t you? Who would want that?)
So pour one out for the true Legends of our Age: The Perpetually Tardy. And pour it into my mouth, because I didn’t get to the liquor store before they had closed, and I’d like some hooch. I’ll get you back later, promise. Trust me, you’ll get payback eventually!
And if you’re reading this and you’re filled with rage, well… you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow to attack me! Because February 20th is MY day to be as late as I want and you have to love me regardless. If you want to fight me, you’ll just have to wait until February 21st, SUCKER! HA!
Now, let me just check my calendar to see if I have anything else to say before I publish this, aaaand…
Hey! What’s that behind you??
[Editor’s Note: Alex ran away, but I’m going to go hunt him down because I’m mad at him too for always being late with his articles, so you lot had better sit back and let me handle things. I’ll make sure he receives the comeuppance he is deserving of!]