By Alex Bradford Cobb
The American Psychological Association, or APA, officially announced as of last Tuesday that “shower-farting,” the act of farting whilst in the shower while the curtain is drawn and water is running, is now considered to be a form of self-harm.
“Honestly, if you just look at these people who are doing this to themselves, they’re just not mentally well. Why would someone ever fart in the shower? That’s objectively the worst place to fart!” quoted esteemed flatulence researcher and Editor-in-Chief at Farts Weekly, Dr. Hannah Frankenwitz, D.D.S. And she wasn’t just talking hot air either! “The steam aerosolizes the methane and hydrogen sulfide gasses, causing them to increase in power exponentially. It’s like homeopathy. A self-destructive homeopathy. Or I guess just… homeopathy.”
But not everyone agrees. Notable Eminent Gas Scientist, Dr. Herbert B. Bütes, PhD, DCM, DMD, claims, “You’ve got the wrong number; I’m a scientist who studies noble gases, like xenon or neon. I don’t study farts! How absurd! I’m concerned with important things, like how much noble gas is in Uranus! I care about Boyle’s and Gay-Lussac’s Laws! If it’s not originating from Uranus, and it’s not Gay-Lussac’s, I don’t care!”
The Enquirer Investigative Team, despite being comprised entirely of presumable fully-matured adults, was unable to continue the Bütes interview due to raucous laughter. Their takeaway: “There’s nothing Noble about those Gasses around Uranus!”
The new resolution isn’t all fun and games, though. Many men are worried that, similar to Red Flag Laws, the new ruling, if committed to any codified law, will be used aggressively and militantly by their wives to force them to no longer fart while they shower together. It might even be expanded to one day clamp down on all forms of Exhaust-Related Expression:
“I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy nut,” said Karl Fritzenkatzen, 30, Associates of Arts in Veterinary Assistance, and owner and head writer at http://www.theyrecomingforusitsallaconspiracy.org, “but what’s to stop them from slipping further down the slope? If the American and G-d forbid International governments allow the APA to push them over and make shower-farting illegal, will Dutch Ovens be next? Don’t fall for this propaganda, man. This is just tyranny under the guise of safetyism and clinicalizing normal human behavior! Also, I hate to play that card, but this is likely a violation of Title IX, seeing as girls cannot fart, and thus they’re immune from the damage of this new law. Soon, they’ll be drugging our young boys with Bean-o to keep them from farting, and before you know it, it’s 1984 all over again. I hated that year. It was when I had to get braces… But anyhow, yeah. First they ban shower-farting, then they come for our guns. Every time.”
On the issue of title IX, a few local girls are claiming they can fart, so it’s not a discriminatory law, but science has yet to prove the existence of the Female Fart.
The United States government has come out against passing any laws related to shower farts due to leaving the shower to fart each time you have to rip one leading to wasting 100,000,000 barrels of water per year. (They’re small barrels–they ran out of the big ones at the Dollar Tree!) The EU has decided to move forward with legislation criminalizing shower-farting, but honestly who gives a shit? Ca-caw! That’s the sound of an American Freedom Eagle. Ka-Chow! And that’s the sound of Lightning McQueen.