OP ED ✤ By Joe Coyote
Just leave out a salad; I’m tired of eating your beloved pets. Let’s have some variety. Imagine having to eat dogs and cats every day, day in and day out. I’m an American, g*dd**mmit, not some Guangdong Chinese coyote. Also, don’t fatten your pets up so much, my coyote doctor’s been getting on my back lately about my cholesterol. And don’t leave your kids out; we don’t want to eat them because they’re filled to the brim with big pharma’s poisons. And I heard what happened to the frogs, and I’d like to avoid the same fate.
Trans Rights?? What about Latrans Rights??
And while we’re at it, nobody ever picks up my poop and bags it.
We would also like to request some sort of accessibility features into your yard. We will remind you that the America Disability Act passed in 1991 does not say that coyotes are excluded. I voted for Ducokis, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let H.W.’s best bill fall to the wayside.
PLEASE don’t leave your trash can in view of the road, like the Homeowner’s agreement states, as it makes it more difficult for me to sneak in and steal your garbage.
And finally, we’d like to discuss our representation in the media. Wile E. Coyote specifically. Not all of us have an unhealthy consumer relationship with the ACME corporation. (I purchase many products from there, but I always stay in budget.)
In conclusion, we all worship the same coyote god, we all work at the same coyote factory, and we all attend the same coyote sock hops and fox trots. So why can’t we throw each other a bone? Besides, the real enemies are the hyenas–those things are scary. I’ve been watching animal planet lately, and NO, I’m not stealing anyone’s cable, so don’t go pointing any fingers! (Also, P.S. Gerald, did you change your HBO Go password?)
We have a saying in the coyote community: steal, kill, and destroy–whoops! I mean live long and prosper. That’s all we wish to do. All we ask is for your cooperation.
Remember: We all want the same thing: To reform the Coyote Caliphate and lead a siege on the Holy Coyote City of Jerusalem and retake the homeland for Coyotedom. Deus Vult and all that. What’s so bad about that?
✤ The views expressed by Joe Coyote do not reflect the views of the Mean Bean Enquirer ✤