By Alex Bradford Cobb
📍 Mobile, Alabama
In what has been described as a great, horrific, leap forward for human evolution, local boy Kyle Upshaw has been born with two fully functioning gills, leaving scientists scratching their heads, doctors reaching for the smelling salts, his parents completely indifferent, and sending the priest to the library for an ancient holy water recipe. The Chinese swear to God they weren’t involved this time, but I for one think they’re full ofasdklfj;kdasl;mfnasdknbml;fvcj, very very truth yes yes.
Kyle has already displayed an affinity for all things aquatic with his ability to survive outside in the deep South far longer than the customary fifteen minutes that a normal Homo Sapiens Sapiens can manage.
In lieu of breastmilk, Kyle has been munching on those pellets you get at the beach for 25 cents to toss down to the catfish. His mother reportedly said, “Well, more for me!”
Despite his apparent quick growth and competence, his parents have had their hands full keeping plastic straws, drink rings, and broken up Styrofoam coolers out of his mouth, nose, and gills.
Long John Silvers has been licking its chops hoping to put together an Upshaw Platter for just $5.99 before tax, but fortunately, it is still illegal to eat fish-human abominations. However, that is all due to change if Splong Jahm Splilvers, the dark horse presidential candidate, wins in November, as his platform consist mostly of reforming legislation around eating human-animal hybirds. When reached for comment, his team responded, “I’m sorry, I thought this was AMERICA!!”
The scientific community is looking forward to studying Kyle and uncovering why Evilution experienced a radical change in punctuated equilibrium with him. The mom claims she “hasn’t f*#%ed a fish within the last nine months,” so that’s not why. We can safely check that hypothesis off our lists.
Others, however, aren’t taking the paradigm shift so well. Ken Ham was seen in the streets of Kentucky, on a soapbox, holding Darwin’s Origin of the Species shouting, “I believe! I believe, Sciencedamnit! I believe now!”
The baby was also born with webbed toes, but that was a result of inbreeding, completely unrelated to the evolution, and far from uncommon in that region of our beautiful, quaint Nation.