COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You
After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.
Hunger down in Africa, Moms with picky kids FURIOUS!
“I’ve tried telling my daughter vegetables will make her big and strong like her favourite gymnasts or ballet dancers or something, and I’ve told my son they’ll put hair on his chest, all with no avail! A guilt-trip is all I have!! You don’t understand! They don’t even like Water! WATER!!”
Throw All Your Turduckens Out NOW!!!
I used to be just like you. I was poor, stupid, ugly, and fat. Now? I’m rich, intelligent, handsome, and JACKED. How? I’ve moved past the oppressive existence of “life” as a TurDucKen-eater. It wasn’t easy, but after eating my fifth TurDucKen in a week, I was getting a stomachache, dealing with severe nutritional deficiencies, and hadn’t been able to go poopy in nearly a month. Something HAD to change. So, I did what no one else had the chutzpah to do: I fought back.
Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)
By: Alex Bradford Cobb In this time of reflection and gratitude, it’s important to take the chance to contemplate the important questions in life. Why did Club Penguin close down? Whatever happened to Disco (I can’t even remember it at all!)? And most importantly, which Pilgrims can I beat in a fight? Now, I knowContinue reading “Top Ten Pilgrims I Can Beat in a Fight (And One I Can’t!)”
We Usually Avoid Politics, But…
We cannot fight this any longer. Mean Bean Enquirer avoids political stories, so in other news there’s… nothing. No Jesuses on toast. There wasn’t a local schoolboy who raised money for the homeless. No one’s grandma’s turned 110. Our local city horse or mascot didn’t escape. We’ve got absolutely nothing. Scientists didn’t decide eggs giveContinue reading “We Usually Avoid Politics, But…”
Evil Clown Spotted in the Woods, Terrorizing People By Breathing in Public
The CDC (Catch Dem Clowns) has announced a national crisis in your area. There’s a “killer clown” just outside your fence in the neighborhood woods armed with the most dangerous weapon known to man: a mouth that’s breathing openly into the outdoor air that MIGHT contain a virus.
Don’t Blame Jeffrey Toobin for Spankin it on Zoom: He’s a Gemini and Perses and Orion were in Opposition!
Now, is that “gross?” Possibly. Is it “unprofessional?” Perhaps. (I prefer to use more positive language in order to exude a more uplifting and edifyingly radiant aura, so let’s call it… “Alternatively-Focused Professionalism.” I’m also thinking of calling it “Differently-Valued Professionalism.”
Mean Bean Enquirer Cypher — Lil Stinker ft. Elkanah
Mean Bean Enquirer is so eager to get new readers, we spent our entire marketing budget hiring these two Hip-Hop Superstars to write our new theme song.
Lil Stinker and OGMCPhD Elkanah are back, and by back, we mean this is their very first appearance…
APA Rules Shower-Fart As a Form of Self-Harm
“Honestly, if you just look at these people who are doing this to themselves, they’re just not mentally well. Why would someone ever fart in the shower? That’s objectively the worst place to fart!” quoted esteemed flatulence researcher and Editor-in-Chief at Farts Weekly, Dr. Hannah Frankenwitz, D.D.S.
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